I wish that there was a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m having a bad mental health day and need you to pay attention to me,” without alienating everyone.
or: “I’m having a bad mental health day and need to be on my own for a while so please don’t be mad if I cancel our plans on short notice.”
or ‘I’m having a bad mental health day and I need some space no I don’t hate you/ we’re not breaking up I just need to be alone’
Sometimes while I ride the subway I try to look at each person and imagine what they look like to someone who is totally in love with them. I think everyone has had someone look at them that way, whether it was a lover, or a parent, or a friend, whether they know it or not. It’s a wonderful thing, to look at someone to whom I would never be attracted and think about what looking at them feels like to someone who is devouring every part of their image, who has invisible strings that are connected to this person tied to every part of their body. I think this fun pastime is a way of cultivating compassion. It feels good to think about people that way, and to use that part of my mind that I think is traditionally reserved for a tiny portion of people I’ll meet in my life to appreciate the general public. I wish I thought about people like this more often. I think it’s the opposite of what our culture teaches us to do. We prefer to pick people apart to find their flaws. Cultivating these feelings of love or appreciation for random people, and even for people I don’t like, makes me a more forgiving and appreciative person toward myself and people I love. Also, it’s just a really excellent pastime.
All I want to do is cuddle with my dogs, hang out with my mom, squeeze my squeeze, and eat ice cream. But noooo I have a midterm to study for.
I used to think that I have too much pride, but I’ve come to accept that I just have way too much respect for myself to put up with other people’s bull shit. This might make me seem like an asshole, but I’m not going to stick around if you say or do something that disrespects/offends me. Grow up and learn how to be a respectful human being…its not my job to teach you.
Its funny that I didn’t really come to terms with this until I got out of my relationship last fall. I thought that being single would make me doubt myself or lower my confidence, but thankfully it’s been the complete opposite. Being on my own has allowed me to see who I am outside of being committed to someone, and I love all that I’ve realized. I know what I’m capable of doing without having to rely on a significant other, and I also know that I have great qualities I can offer to others, whether they be friends, family, coworkers, or significant others. And with these realizations, I expect a lot from the people who I let get close to me.
So really, don’t waste my time if you’re going to be immature and disrespectful. I’m pretty easy to befriend, but once my trust is broken, its hard for me to see people in the same way again. Ain’t nobody got time for that.